Test Drive: 2011 BMW 135i

By Kevin Harrison

The definition of a cock (at least in context to cars) is someone who drives their vehicle in such a manner which indicates that the driver thinks he/she is the only driver on the road. Aka quite aggressively.

No one really wants to be a cock, it’s not a very flattering word after all. But the fact of the matter is, if you are the CEO of any car company, you definitely want cocks to be your main customer base. Why? Because that means that you make tremendous performance cars.

Cocks drive their cars like cocks because it’s possible to do it with peace of mind. It means that cocks have such tremendous confidence in the product that they are willing to push it to the extremes at all times. That means the car has great stability thanks to adjusted suspension, excellent stopping abilities because of upgraded brakes, great handling thanks to larger wheels and tires, and an uncanny ability to maneuver in and out of traffic thanks to a powerful engine. So you could say that performance cars are actually safer than regular cars.

You can’t really be a cock in a Pontiac Sunfire because the moment you try to switch lanes in an aggressive manner, you will spin out of control and almost certainly be thrown clear of the car when your seat belt doesn’t work, the airbags don’t work and the traction control (if it even has it) doesn’t work as you twist the car around a lamp post.

Jeremy Clarkson thinks people who own BMW’s are cocks. At least, he has in the past. Now though, it seems, Clarkson has changed his tune and says all the cocks are now driving Audi’s. Great compliment to Audi, but not so good news for BMW.

Does that mean that BMW’s are becoming softer and less performance oriented? I tested the 135i to find out.

Since the 3-series seems content to grow into middle age (bigger and heavier) the upside is that this gave BMW room to slot a smaller car underneath. Still, the 1-series is the same size as an E36 3-series, which just goes to show how big the current 3-series has gotten.

The 135i looks far from a shrunken 3-series, however. Designed during the “Bangle days” the 1-series has a curvaceous underside thanks to the cut of the door frame. To keep the 135i from looking pregnant, it comes with side skirts. Up front, the 135i dons a more aggressive from facia than the 128i with a large lower intakes, some taking place where fog lights would otherwise be (135i does not come with fog lights – I’m okay with that because it’s in the name of performance). The headlights have signature halo rings with xenons. Some say the headlights give the 1-series too much of a wide eyed look, but I’m not one of them. LED tail lights are standard as is a rather attractive lip spoiler and black twin tailpipes which really completes the look. Overall the 135i is quite attractive, especially with the optional M package which my tester had. For $1800 it adds special M paint, attractive 18 inch staggered double spoke five spoke wheels, shadow line trim, an M steering wheel and shift knob along with a host of M badging throughout. Do yourself a favour and put a check mark next to this package the option list. It really makes the look of the 135i.

Inside takes on a more sporty look rather than luxury (again, that’s fine with me). You get everything you need, nothing you don’t – although you can option the 135i with more luxury features such as real Boston leather, a heated steering wheel (the M package deletes this option), power seats, comfort access, power folding and auto dimming mirrors, a power sunroof and an automatic transmission. Do yourself a favour and don’t get any of those things. They just add weight. Well, the comfort access is cool actually.

Alright, I purposely got the exterior and interior out of the way first because under the hood is the real story. New for 2011 is BMW’s N55 turbocharged 3.0 litre inline six which replaces the N54 twin turbo’d six. I’ve read complaints that the N55 doesn’t feel quite as powerful as the N54, however I’ve experienced both engines and I can tell you the difference is minimal. Barely noticeable in fact. The N55 develops the same power, 300 horses and 300 pound feet of torque which is good enough for a 0-100 sprint time of just 5.3 seconds thanks to the twin scroll turbo charger and Valvetronic direct injection. This engine has won engine of the year several times over and it’s not hard to see why. It’s brilliant, there’s no other way of putting it. It’s smoother than a waterfall of double cream splashing onto a bed of silk.

Combine the outstanding engine with that nice notchy 6-speed manual and you’ll give up your dream of marrying Beyonce because this has to be just as good. And if you are experiencing impotence problems, throw out your Viagra because the exhaust note is so perfect that if it doesn’t get you going, then it means you don’t have a penis. Listen closely and you’ll hear some pop back on the over run. Mmm, delicious!

You’ll want to drive an straight lines all day with this set up, but believe it or not, it actually isn’t the 135i’s forte. Do yourself a favour and throw the 135i into some bends and you’ll know what I’m on about. Steering is sharp and precise. It offers excellent feedback and is heavy, but not too heavy – it’s quite good at delivering point and shoot steering. The sport suspension and 18 inch wheels with performance rubber help the 135i acheive exceptional stability around corners, however if you’re too aggressive, Uncle traction and stability control will kick in to ruin the fun. No matter, turning off the electric nannies is easy, just hit the button.

Now what you have is complete control of the beast and you are able to ring it in by the horns. Once that’s done, here’s the recipe for complete bliss in the 135i:

1) Keep clutch in and rev the engine a bunch like an asshole to release the musical symphony that is the exhaust note.

2) Keep the revs at about 4,000 RPM’s, hold it just slightly, then dump the clutch. The tail end happily drifts out slightly, all while giving you decent traction off the line.

3) Easily shift through the gears, shifting only at red line each time until you get to 100.

4) Once you see a bend coming up, hold the throttle until the last possible second. Don’t worry, the large BMW calipers allow for insanely late braking.

5) Turn in confidently using the ever so precise steering right on the edge of losing grip. The back end should break lose and come out a bit.

6) Give it more throttle to bring the tail back in.

7) Repeat.

If this recipe doesn’t give you a most ridiculously goofy grin on your face, then this is what you should do next: Call a psychologist because there is something severely wrong with you.

You may have noticed that the above recipe is quite the recipe for being a cock and I can think of very few cars that are as fun to be a cock in. It’s almost impossible not to drive this car like a cock.

But in all honestly, this may be the best car that BMW makes. I know that’s a big statement considering the existence of the M6, M5, 335is, Z4is and the M3. But in terms of every day use, I think the 135i beats them all. It’s more nimble, more precise, more balanced and more engaging. Sure, the M3 is able to achieve all of that all while somehow being more comfortable than the 135i, but for twice the price.

I’ve driven both the M3 and the 135i before and they are both tremendous performance vehicles. The M3 was very deserving of a perfect score and the the 135i is no different.

Congratulations BMW, because the 135i really is a tremendous car in both value and performance.

Welcome back, cock BMW drivers everywhere.

Base Price: $43,000

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